one plus one is not necessarily two

"Newsflash!" Cat, the self-proclaimed spinster exclaimed, with a trail of smoke coming from her nostrils, in her usual .. annoyingly shrill and high-pitched tone that was reserved solely for moments of extreme excitement or pure resentment ... whichever came first. A CD (or so she said) from an ad. agency somewhere in town, Cat’s crude do-I-look-like-I-care? attitude has been well documented, bitterly tolerated and downright resentfully accepted, especially among us.
“I just wished she’d lighten up a bit on the language!” confided one of her collegues not so long ago. “Sure, she’s good but do you have to be so sarcastic?” he lamented, apparently he had just suffered a tremendous blow to his ego. “I don’t think I can work with her!”
“Why?” I asked lightly, silently praying that he would spare me the sordid details.
“What do you think happened?” he pouted, looking extremely hurt. Either that, or he was trying to emulate one of those hunky GQ models’ look.
“I don’t know ...,” I replied quietly. “... but I do know Cat ...”
“Look! Not everyone is as creative or verbal as her! Not everyone can come up with fab. ideas at a snap of a finger ... the least she could do is to give us some credit ... or at least some time ..”
“She trashed your design, huh?”
“She stripped me naked in front of the client!” he snorted. “She actually called me inside the meeting room and trashed my designs inside out! I’ve never been so humiliated! If it’s not for the fact that I need to pay my rent and stuff, I would have quit there and then!”
“I’m sure she had her reasons ..,” I quipped, now desperately praying that he would stop complaining or at least, cool down, even for just a little bit.
“Like I care! I mean, you were a CD once. Were you that rude to your designers?”
What can I say? Cat is one of a kind.
Back at our table, Cat’s sudden snide had taken its tolls on Non's somewhat lengthy and excruciatingly boring details of her last disastrous date in mid-sentence, prompting her to turn to Cat, eyes blazing. I could feel a volcano about to erupt from Non's thin, pursed, perfectly painted lips.
"Honestly Non? I’m so sick of you being sick of him! Just dump him and move on already! I mean, he’s not even that goodlooking! For the love of God! I don’t know what you see in him!" Cat snapped before she had had a chance to defend herself. "And seriously, you have been bugging us for the past three weeks about it ... Trust me! He's way too lame!"
"What?"
"What do you think?" Cat asked, turning to me, inadvertly dragging me, arms flailing, into their argument. "Don't you think he's lame?"
"Wh-"
"That's how lame he is! Even Ad is out of words and he never runs out of words!" Cat cried before I could say anything. “Honest to goodness! You have to freelance with me. I’m so sick of reading lame copywriting day in day out! Just a little here and there ... I’ll talk to my boss. I’m sure he can give you a good rate ...”
“Wha-”
“Hold it! No one is changing the topic? Ad! Is that what you think?” Non (short for Sharifah Amirah bla bla bla) asked, her eyes glistening. I think she was just about ready to jump out of her chair and into Cat’s. Contrary to popular belief, the drop dead gorgeous model-wanna-be wasn’t as demure as she looked. If there was an award for a drama queen with an emotion manipulating talent, Non would be a fierce competitor.
“Look. This is just between you and Cat!”
“... but ... what about you? Do you think-?”
“Leave him alone. You know how guys are. They stick together!” Cat added dejectedly, and I could swear that there was a glint of amusement in her now, pale blue eyes (at least she wasn’t wearing her blond wig)
There we were, the three of us ... just like the good old days ... sitting at a mamak stall, sipping nice warm tea and bitching about life. We first met, many years ago. The then and still pudgy Mei Mei, who now insist to be addressed as Cat after watching Halle Berry’s sensual performance as the Cat Woman was rushing along the corridor when she collided with the doe-eyed, prim and proper Non right in front of me. It was like watching an elephant trampling a gazelle. It was hillarious to say the least and sort of bonded the three of us together.
“I have to admit ... it’s good to see you guys again,” I said after a while. “How long has it been?”
“Are you insane? We were at that stupid wedding dinner last week!” Cat snorted. Her somewhat large nostrils grew impossibly larger.
“I know .. I just thought that I should take the edge off you guys!”
“Don’t need you psychoanalyzing me! I’ve had enough problems dealing with P,” Non, the slender, soft spoken damsel in distress replied quietly. “... but thank you, you’re sweet!” she added, flashing me one of her patented killer smiles, delightful enough to dazzle the shop assistant who happened to pass by.
“He’s not and you’re being a pushover! It’s about time you take charge of you own life!” Cat added quickly. “P has been dragging you through this stupid relationship for months now ... and -”
“Just leave her alone, okay? She likes him. Sure, there’re no fireworks ... they’re both as dull as you know what ... but it’s their lives!”
“Are you saying ... that you like him?” Cat sneered, the way we would when we wondered about someone’s sanity.
“Who cares?! She likes him. That’s all that matters!” I said, matter of factly. “We are not involved in their relationship. Full stop!”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah!”
“Then why do I keep on hearing stories of their lame date over and over again?”
“Maybe because you don’t have any of your own .. and we all need a distraction once a while ...,” Non replied, and just like that, Cat was stunned silence. “Yes?”
Just when you were about to file Non as a pushover, she unleashed her stinger .. in a oh-so-gentle way.
“I am single by choice!” Cat said flatly once she managed to sufficiently school her face. “Besides, I haven’t met a man worth my while ... not since that pig!”
“You should take your own advice and move on,” I interjected before Non had another chance to knock Cat senseless. “He’s a jerk. We all agreed!”
“Oh yeah? And what have you been doing with your life since that ... well, I’m not even going to dignify her with a name!” Cat retorted sharply. “I haven’t seen you with anyone since!”
“Like you have!”
“Oh God! Guys! That was ages ago!” Non whined dramatically. “If I were you, I would have looked for someone better just to spite them!”
“We’re not you! We’ll never be you! That pig deserved what he got! Now I purposedly drive by his house ... just to annoy him!” Cat declared with a somewhat toothy grin.
M or who was now fondly called “The Pig” by his ex-fiance was once madly in love with Cat. Yet, after years of dating and I assume, in a moment of insanity, he dumped her and married a slimmer, prettier girl who just happened to be her assistant. And with that, Cat was born.
“Are you stalking him?” Non asked, her brows arching and somewhere deep in my brain, I could feel my migraine forming..
“That and I do love to see that huge whale waddling about her front yard! And him ... staring listlessly at her enormous bum!” Cat said with a self satisfied smile. “See! That’s what happened to the Pig!”
“Do you realize how angry you are? You used to be so sweet ... wasn’t she sweet? What do you think?” Non asked, looking somewhat puzzled. “I remember how nice you were before ...”
And it dragged on and on and on and by the time we were ready to leave, I could almost hear our laughters as we sat under the tree by the football field that many years ago.
That’s the thing about change. We hardly ever pay any attention to it but once we do, it dazzles us, leaving some of us slightly deflated and others, totally exhausted! And as I looked at the three of us, I wonder ...
Mei Mei used to be so positive and full of life. Sharifah Amirah was the portrait of innocence. So, when did they become Cat and Non? And I? What happened to that dreamer?